Henry-Cameron Allen, CTAA, IHTCP
Papa Peregrine, Founder LTC
August 1, 2024
© All Rights Reserved
If you're a parent over 50 who has experienced the death of a child, let’s call ourselves Silver Peregrines, you may have noticed that your grief doesn't quite fit the patterns you expected. There's a reason for this, and it's not just about time passing. It's about how your changing body and life stage are reshaping your grief in ways you might not have realized.
The Unseen Influence: How Your Changing Body Affects Your Grief
As we age, our bodies undergo significant changes. For women, it's menopause; for men, it's often called andropause. These aren't just physical changes—they profoundly affect our emotions, including our grief.
For Women:
Menopause involves more than hot flashes and night sweats. The hormonal shifts can intensify emotional responses, leading to unexpected crying or feeling overwhelmed by memories. This isn't a setback; it's your body processing grief in a new way.
One of my counseling clients recently shared, "I thought I was losing my mind. Two years after my daughter's death, I suddenly couldn't stop crying. My doctor helped me understand it was partly due to menopause amplifying my grief. That hadn't even occurred to me."
Cutting-Edge Research:
- A 2020 study published in Menopause: The Journal of The North American Menopause Society found that women undergoing menopause reported higher levels of emotional distress and grief, linking hormonal fluctuations to intensified grief responses (Maki, P. M., Kornstein, S. G., Joffe, H., & Bromberger, J. T., 2020).
For Men:
Decreasing testosterone levels and hormonal changes beginning in our 40s and 50s can lead to unexpected mood changes. You may find yourself more emotionally vulnerable, experiencing grief more intensely than before. This isn't a weakness; it's a new capacity for feeling.
A participant in our weekly Fellowship of Fathers Circle said, "I was always the 'strong, silent' type. But at 55, I found myself tearing up at the smallest reminders of my son. Understanding that this was partly due to physical changes helped me accept and even appreciate these moments as a sacred part of my aging process."
Cutting-Edge Research:
- A 2021 study in The Aging Male journal highlighted how decreasing testosterone levels in aging men can increase emotional sensitivity and vulnerability, contributing to more intense grief experiences (Corona, G., Maseroli, E., Rastrelli, G., & Maggi, M., 2021).
Your Changing Life Stages: New Perspectives on Grief
Being over 50 doesn't just mean bodily changes. Our perspective on life shifts too, and this affects your grief:
1. Retirement: For some, retirement brings more time to think, which can intensify grief. For others, it offers new opportunities for memorializing their child.
2. Grandparenthood: Becoming a grandparent can reawaken grief as you're reminded of the milestones your child missed.
3. Health Changes: Facing your own mortality can bring a new dimension to your grief, as you grapple with the time you have left to honor your child's memory.
Practical Ways to Navigate This New Grief Landscape
Understanding these changes is the first step. Here are some practical ways to work with your changing body and life stage:
1. Talk to Your Doctor: Discuss how menopause or andropause might be affecting your grief. There may be treatments that can help manage the physical symptoms, indirectly easing some of the emotional intensity.
2. Start a Symptom and Emotion Journal: Keep track of physical changes and emotional responses. You might notice patterns that help you predict and prepare for intense grief periods.
3. Adapt Your Self-Care: Your body's needs are changing. If high-intensity workouts now leave you exhausted, consider gentler alternatives like yoga, tai chi, or regular walks. These activities can help you stay active without overexerting yourself.
4. Prioritize Sleep: Adequate sleep is crucial for emotional and physical well-being. Establish a calming bedtime routine, avoid screens before bed, and create a restful environment to improve sleep quality.
Cutting-Edge Research:
- A 2019 study in the Journal of Sleep Research found that sleep disturbances are common among older adults experiencing grief and emphasized the importance of sleep hygiene practices in managing grief-related insomnia (Hardison, H. G., Neimeyer, R. A., & Lichstein, K. L., 2019).
5. Connect with Peers: Seek out support groups specifically for Silver Peregrines. Sharing experiences with those who understand the interplay of aging and grief can be incredibly validating. Organizations like The Compassionate Friends and GriefShare can provide helpful resources and connections.
6. Explore New Ways to Remember: As your energy levels change, you might need to find new ways to honor your child's memory. Instead of running a marathon in their name, you might find fulfillment in writing their story or mentoring young people in their field.
7. Be Patient with Yourself: Understand that grief might feel different now, and that's okay. You're not going backward; you're navigating a new phase of your journey.
A New Chapter in Your Grief Journey
Recognizing how aging affects your grief doesn't minimize your experience. Instead, it offers a new understanding of your ongoing bond with your child. Your changing body and life stage provide new ways to connect with your memories and continue your child's legacy.
As one of my counseling clients beautifully put it, "I'm not just growing older. I'm growing into a new way of carrying my daughter with me. My changing body has given me a new language for my grief, and in some ways, I feel closer to her now than ever." This sentiment resonates with many parents navigating grief in later life.
Remember, this journey is uniquely yours. There's no right or wrong way to grieve at any age. But understanding how your changing body and life stage affect your grief can help you be kinder to yourself and find new ways to honor your child's memory.
You are not alone in this. Reach out, seek support, and remember that your capacity for love and remembrance only deepens with time.
References and Studies
1. Menopause and Emotional Health:
- Maki, P. M., Kornstein, S. G., Joffe, H., & Bromberger, J. T. (2020). Menopause and mood disorders. Menopause: The Journal of The North American Menopause Society. [Harvard Health](https://www.health.harvard.edu/womens-health/menopause-and-mood-disorders).
- North American Menopause Society. "Mood Changes and Depression During Menopause." [NAMS](https://www.menopause.org/for-women/menopauseflashes/mood-changes-depression).
2. Andropause and Emotional Health:
- Corona, G., Maseroli, E., Rastrelli, G., & Maggi, M. (2021). Androgen decline in the aging male. The Aging Male. [Mayo Clinic](https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/mens-health/expert-answers/male-menopause/faq-20058497).
- American Psychological Association. "Depression in Men: Understanding the Gender Gap." [APA](https://www.apa.org/research/action/depression).
3. Grief and Aging:
- National Institute on Aging. "Aging and Emotional Well-being." [NIA](https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/aging-and-emotional-well-being).
- American Psychological Association. "Grief and Loss: Older Adults." [APA](https://www.apa.org/topics/grief/older-adults).
4. Physical Well-being and Grief:
- Harvard Health Publishing. "Exercise and Grief." [Harvard Health](https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/exercise-and-grief).
- National Institutes of Health. "Sleep, Physical Activity, and Grief." [NIH](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6342107/).
5. Importance of Sleep:
- Hardison, H. G., Neimeyer, R. A., & Lichstein, K. L. (2019). Sleep disturbances in bereavement. Journal of Sleep Research. [NSF](https://www.sleepfoundation.org/sleep-disorders/grief-and-sleep).
- Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. "Sleep and Mental Health." [CDC](https://www.cdc.gov/sleep/about_sleep/sleep_and_health.htm).
By exploring these resources, you can deepen your understanding and find strategies to support your well-being through grief.
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